Better Understanding of Codependency and Why It Happens
When many people think of dating
and romantic relationships they often think of the classic love story where a
man falls madly in love with a beautiful women, and he will stop at nothing and
will sacrifice everything to be with her.
But is this even realistic? Is this even healthy? Well, the answer is
no. To both questions. Unfortunately,
these love stories, like The Notebook or
Romeo and Juliet, portray unhealthy
relationships. Healthy relationships are
founded on many things and one of them is having appropriate boundaries. One needs to be independent before they can
form a stable long-term relationship.
Many romantic movies depict an image of two lost souls who cannot go on
living without the other, but this is one of the ways codependent relationships
are formed.
So what does codependency actually mean in terms of a relationship? When someone is codependent in a relationship, they rely on their partner for their emotional support. Another way to describe it would be to say it is when one makes the relationship needs more important than their own needs. Although it is unlikely for one to become so involved in their relationship that they mimic Romeo and decide to take their life at even the sight of their dead partner, codependency can have a lot of negative effects in your relationship. The negative effects of this will be further discussed in our article, “I’m Clingy, How Am I Hurting My Relationship?”. But, for now we will focus on how these relationships start.
The majority of our views on how to handle and act in relationships come from watching our parents. If they frequently show signs of affection towards each other and communicate pleasantly, the children will generally follow suit. If the parents do not frequently show signs of affection and are frequently hostile in their communication, the children will again generally follow suit. This same concept is applied to codependency. Often times people that are codependent grew up in a household with similar issues. They watched one of their parents consistently sacrifice for the other and always be the one to fix the relationship. However, not all codependent relationships arise because of a poor parental example. Some people are “fixers”. This means that one of the partners wants to fix the other and solve their problems to make them a better person and a better person to be dating. This is commonly known as falling for someone’s potential. Ironically, the person being the “fixer” is generally the codependent partner. They can see themselves as having their own responsibilities in order and strong enough where they can handle helping their partner. This is dangerous because this person is constantly bearing the load of the relationship in order to help the other improve or change, which unfortunately, does not usually happen.
Now that we’ve explained what codependent relationships are and some of the ways they can form, let’s look at how to tell if you are involved in a codependent relationship. Listed below are three questions to ask yourself to determine how much of the relationship weight you are bearing.
Þ Is this relationship more important to me than I am?
Love is about giving, but it turns unhealthy when you harm yourself in order to do so.
Þ What price am I paying for being with this person?
Write down a list of things you are giving up to be with this person. You should be okay with giving up all these things to be with this person.
Þ Am I the only one putting effort into this relationship?
Ask yourself if your efforts are reciprocated and consider all of the things your partner gives to you.
For further help and information regarding codependent relationships, be sure to check out our other articles on the homepage.
So what does codependency actually mean in terms of a relationship? When someone is codependent in a relationship, they rely on their partner for their emotional support. Another way to describe it would be to say it is when one makes the relationship needs more important than their own needs. Although it is unlikely for one to become so involved in their relationship that they mimic Romeo and decide to take their life at even the sight of their dead partner, codependency can have a lot of negative effects in your relationship. The negative effects of this will be further discussed in our article, “I’m Clingy, How Am I Hurting My Relationship?”. But, for now we will focus on how these relationships start.
The majority of our views on how to handle and act in relationships come from watching our parents. If they frequently show signs of affection towards each other and communicate pleasantly, the children will generally follow suit. If the parents do not frequently show signs of affection and are frequently hostile in their communication, the children will again generally follow suit. This same concept is applied to codependency. Often times people that are codependent grew up in a household with similar issues. They watched one of their parents consistently sacrifice for the other and always be the one to fix the relationship. However, not all codependent relationships arise because of a poor parental example. Some people are “fixers”. This means that one of the partners wants to fix the other and solve their problems to make them a better person and a better person to be dating. This is commonly known as falling for someone’s potential. Ironically, the person being the “fixer” is generally the codependent partner. They can see themselves as having their own responsibilities in order and strong enough where they can handle helping their partner. This is dangerous because this person is constantly bearing the load of the relationship in order to help the other improve or change, which unfortunately, does not usually happen.
Now that we’ve explained what codependent relationships are and some of the ways they can form, let’s look at how to tell if you are involved in a codependent relationship. Listed below are three questions to ask yourself to determine how much of the relationship weight you are bearing.
Þ Is this relationship more important to me than I am?
Love is about giving, but it turns unhealthy when you harm yourself in order to do so.
Þ What price am I paying for being with this person?
Write down a list of things you are giving up to be with this person. You should be okay with giving up all these things to be with this person.
Þ Am I the only one putting effort into this relationship?
Ask yourself if your efforts are reciprocated and consider all of the things your partner gives to you.
For further help and information regarding codependent relationships, be sure to check out our other articles on the homepage.