I'm Clingy, How Am I Hurting My Relationship?
So you have already found out you are the codependent person in your relationship and you can be clingy. (Take a look at our article, “Attachment Styles: What Are They and How to Find Out Yours” to find out if YOU’RE a clingy person") What now? Does it even matter? Can’t you just find someone who is okay with that? The unfortunate answer is that yes, it does matter and a codependent person can drive away even the most tolerant partner. Today, we will look at how being clingy or overly involved can hurt your relationship.
Generally people that are naturally codependent or clingy in relationships have a preoccupied attachment style. This means that they feel the need to engage in excessive communication with their partner and that they need to be with their partner at all times in order to feel close to them. Now one can obviously see how excessive communication can drive away a romantic partner, so one would assume people with at preoccupied attachment style pursue other people with a preoccupied attachment style. This way, the excessive communication is not only tolerated, but also wanted. Even is this were true, it would unfortunately be destructive to both partners since both partners would place their self-worth on the relationship and any troubled time would be damaging to both sides. But ironically, people with a preoccupied attachment style do not seek like-minded individuals. Instead, they pursue people that are distant and hard to connect with. This supports there perception of that constant interaction brings closeness, because in order for the codependent person to feel close to a distant person, they need to constantly be with them in order to fulfill their needs. The distant partner will seldom self-disclose or share how they are feeling and in order for the codependent person to get reassurance, they need to always be there to catch those small amounts of self-disclosure. This unfortunately leads to an unhealthy relationship.
Besides leading one to pick a partner that is not right for you, being codependent can affect your relationship in another way. A codependent partner will often turn to the other partner to rescue them emotionally or to complete them. This causes mixed feelings of a desire for closeness from the partner, but also resentment, because the partner is not able to fulfill these emotional needs. So, although there is a strong desire for intimacy, often times a codependent person can end up pushing their partner away with their feelings of resentment. The harder they push the other away, the more they crave intimacy and it can unfortunately be a negative spiral downwards in the relationship.
As previously stated, a codependent partner will often turn to the other partner to rescue them emotionally or to complete them. This can unfortunately lead to desperation and feelings of being unloved or not cared for by their partner. These feelings can lead towards one becoming demanding or possessive of their partner and can also lead towards interpreting independent actions of their partners as confirmation of their fears. For example, one partner may choose to hang out with their close friends all weekend and the other partner may think, “See? They spent all weekend away from me, I knew they didn’t want to be with me!” These thoughts will unfortunately only add to the mix of emotions of resentment and loneliness in the codependent partner.
Although there are many ways being codependent can negatively affect yourself and your relationship, you are not stuck in this pattern. Fortunately, there are ways to overcome codependency and to learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships. For more information on overcoming codependency, be sure to check out this article from Lifecounsel.org. It is a great resource that provides an in-depth understanding of codependency and ways to overcome it.
Generally people that are naturally codependent or clingy in relationships have a preoccupied attachment style. This means that they feel the need to engage in excessive communication with their partner and that they need to be with their partner at all times in order to feel close to them. Now one can obviously see how excessive communication can drive away a romantic partner, so one would assume people with at preoccupied attachment style pursue other people with a preoccupied attachment style. This way, the excessive communication is not only tolerated, but also wanted. Even is this were true, it would unfortunately be destructive to both partners since both partners would place their self-worth on the relationship and any troubled time would be damaging to both sides. But ironically, people with a preoccupied attachment style do not seek like-minded individuals. Instead, they pursue people that are distant and hard to connect with. This supports there perception of that constant interaction brings closeness, because in order for the codependent person to feel close to a distant person, they need to constantly be with them in order to fulfill their needs. The distant partner will seldom self-disclose or share how they are feeling and in order for the codependent person to get reassurance, they need to always be there to catch those small amounts of self-disclosure. This unfortunately leads to an unhealthy relationship.
Besides leading one to pick a partner that is not right for you, being codependent can affect your relationship in another way. A codependent partner will often turn to the other partner to rescue them emotionally or to complete them. This causes mixed feelings of a desire for closeness from the partner, but also resentment, because the partner is not able to fulfill these emotional needs. So, although there is a strong desire for intimacy, often times a codependent person can end up pushing their partner away with their feelings of resentment. The harder they push the other away, the more they crave intimacy and it can unfortunately be a negative spiral downwards in the relationship.
As previously stated, a codependent partner will often turn to the other partner to rescue them emotionally or to complete them. This can unfortunately lead to desperation and feelings of being unloved or not cared for by their partner. These feelings can lead towards one becoming demanding or possessive of their partner and can also lead towards interpreting independent actions of their partners as confirmation of their fears. For example, one partner may choose to hang out with their close friends all weekend and the other partner may think, “See? They spent all weekend away from me, I knew they didn’t want to be with me!” These thoughts will unfortunately only add to the mix of emotions of resentment and loneliness in the codependent partner.
Although there are many ways being codependent can negatively affect yourself and your relationship, you are not stuck in this pattern. Fortunately, there are ways to overcome codependency and to learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships. For more information on overcoming codependency, be sure to check out this article from Lifecounsel.org. It is a great resource that provides an in-depth understanding of codependency and ways to overcome it.